Trust Issues

     Lately I have been having  second thoughts about trusting people.  when you get hurt enough times you start to wonder just what the heck you are doing wrong to cause people to want to hurt you.  And of  course being me, I'm sure it has to be something that I am doing, that it somehow has to be my fault, never thinking that it could be their problem and not mine.  
      I've been doing a lot of soul searching to maybe figure out what I've done so bad as to cause three of my long time "close" friends to toss me under the train so to speak.  And why all this has happened within such a small time frame. (within a few months of each other)  

     I've always been a super trusting kind of person, I try very hard to see the good in everyone and I believe that everyone has some good in them, it only needs to be brought out.  I try so hard to put myself in their place, to see what makes them tick and to understand why they are the people they are.  And lately I've noticed that I've gotten very wary, and I worry that if I'm not careful I will continue to lose even more people who I think care about me and appreciate me.    Am I going to do something to run them off too?  And I ask myself what it is I have to change in order to keep them around.

     I've become a bit closed off from people too, I don't want to make new friends because it hurts too bad when things go wrong.  I spend most of my days alone because it feels safe, and I'm afraid to take anymore chances with anyone.  Rejection hurts, especially when you don't know why its happening.

     My husband told me I need to get out more, to find new friends and be with other people sometimes, and I found myself saying "I don't want to meet anyone new", why set myself up for more pain?  I'm okay by myself, I have no problem being alone most of the time.  I prefer it this way."  

     During all this soul searching I have become concerned that I really have become afraid to trust anyone new with my heart.   It wouldn't take much for me to become completely homebound, I'm almost there already. And trusting my own judgement of people is totally skewed and what looks good on the outside isn't neccesarily what the whole package is about.        I've been looking inside myself to see what it is I've been doing wrong and am trying to be as honest with myself as I know how.  And although I know I am far from perfect, I can't find a thing that I have done  different, I haven't all of a sudden become hurtful or mean.  I'm the same person I always have been.  And I simply don't think it's my fault that these things are happening to me, it's just another one of life's lessons that I am being taught.

     So, this morning as I was sitting on the computer I typed a question into the address bar, "Why can't I trust people like I used to?"  "Why am I so afraid?" 

The page that came up was on Oprah's website and there were several articles to choose from.  I chose this one...

 http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Martha-Becks-No-Fail-Way-to-Figure-Out-Who-to-Trust

Very interesting and I found good information, and I even took a quiz which revealed a lot about me that I hadn't thought about before.  I realized that my inner trust meter is skewed, that it has always been skewed and that I needed to work on it a LOT.  In this article Martha Beck asks some very to the point questions:

Start by thinking of someone important to you, and rate your trust in that person on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = lowest possible trust, 5 = highest). Then, evaluate the person by recalling your observations of his or her behavior. 

Here are a few obvious questions I've found very helpful in quantifying the trustworthiness of people in my own life. The first three are the "yes" questions; if Person X is completely trustworthy, you'll answer yes to all three. The second three are the "no" questions—if Person X deserves your trust, the answer to all three will be negative.

The "yes" questions: 

1. Does Person X usually show up on time?

2. When Person X says something is going to happen, does it usually happen?

3. When you hear Person X describing an event and then get more information about that event, does the new information usually match Person X's description?

The "no" questions: 

4. Have you ever witnessed Person X lying to someone or assuming you'll help deceive a third person?

5. Does Person X sometimes withhold information in order to make things go more smoothly or to avoid conflict?

6. Have you ever witnessed Person X doing something (lying, cheating, being unkind) that he or she would condemn if another person did it?

These questions might seem trivial. They're not. As the saying goes, "the way we do anything is the way we do everything." I'm not saying we have the ultimate power or right to judge others. But if you trust someone whose behavior doesn't pass the six screening questions above, your trust-o-meter may well be misaligned.


And here is the quiz:
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-Trust-Test

It brought up some points that really made me stop and think about what was going on with my so called friends.  And then it hit me right between the eyes what was going on and why they turned on me and why they literally deserted me.  And I realized that it certainly was my fault, completely my fault.  But not because I was doing something bad to them or something wrong to them.  It was because I was finally doing something GOOD for myself!  I was caring about myself first, and not them.  I wasn't allowing myself to be stepped on and used anymore.  It wasn't them who was changing, it was me!  And I realized that of course they had to see it and of course, they wouldn't like it.  There was nothing more in it for them.  It wasn't me that quit caring, or quit trying to help them, it was them.  When they figured out that I wasn't someone they could walk all over anymore, that I was becoming a very strong and confident person, when they saw I wasn't so open and vulnerable and not so willing to take second best anymore, they abandoned ship!  They flew the coop, vacated the premises, ran like their tails were on fire to get away.  They no longer had any use for me and they got out while the getting was good, probably fearful of what I would see, that I would realize how much they had taken from me.  Afraid that maybe I would start to ask for something in return.  

     When I realized that it was my fault after all, but that it was because I have finally learned that I am a worthwhile person and I deserved to be treated good also, I felt such a tremendous sense of relief.  And yes, I am still very sad that that I lost them, but I've also realized that I never really had them in the first place.  And I can see so clearly now that they never were the kind of people I gave them credit for, that it was all just a fantasy I was living.  I think somewhere deep inside I knew what was going on, but I had such low self-esteem I felt I deserved nothing better.  This was just "normal" for me and it was my lot in life.  

     So now after my soul searching journey,  I can finally put this part of my life to rest and can continue to learn and grow and take care of my own heart.  I can forgive them and be free of it all.  I can't change who they are, but I can change who I am.  I hope they find what it is they are looking for, I really do.

      I deserve to be happy, I am a good and honest and worthwhile person and I deserve the very best this life has to give.  I don't have to always take the broken cookie, I can have the whole one.  And I don't have to depend on anyone else to validate who I am.  I will take care of me even if the whole world deserts me.  But I no longer have to worry about that either because I am finding that the good people, the real people, they are still here and they still like who they see.   It's taken a lot of time for me to learn to love myself and to care about who I am, I'm not giving any of it up!  I love my life, I am grateful for all that has happened in my life, the bad as well as the good, it took all of it to mold me onto who I have become.  I'm so grateful that I am who I am.  If I could pick me to have as a friend, my life would be better off in many, many ways.  I would be proud to call myself Friend.   And suddenly I feel like skipping down the road singing and laughing and chasing butterflies, that's how great it is to be me!  

So, yes, in a way this was a test for me, one that I passed with flying colors.  It is a validation that I am finally doing things right, that I am on the right path, and I am headed in a good direction in my life.  And I want to continue down this path and see where it takes me from here.  I am truly blessed and I hope whoever reads this will find this type of joy if you haven't already.  It's there for the taking and we ALL deserve to be happy.