Another Lesson in Forgiveness

for·give·ness

 noun \-ˈgiv-nəs\

: the act of forgiving someone or something

: the attitude of someone who is willing to forgive other people

That is what the dictionary has to say about it.  Not much in the way of describing what it means if you ask me.

And this is how they define forgive:

for·give

 verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\

: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)

Not much help there either...I have a much better definition of what forgiveness really means.  

It means that you admit to yourself that whatever has happened to you is NOT something that you can change.  So you quit trying to change it.  It's that simple, you accept what happened, and you move on.  Once you realize there isn't a thing you can do to change things, you also realize that there is no more need to hang on to them.  You let go of the anger, the need to retaliate and you let go of that pain.  And then you can get on with the healing process, start to mend things in your heart and become whole again.  

And I have found that the hardest one in the world to forgive is myself.  But knowing now what it means, it makes it easier to do so.  I realize I can't go back and change anything that has already happened, so I am letting it go.  No more tearing myself into a million pieces or waking up out of a dead sleep, heart pounding, wondering what in the world was wrong with me.  I realize finally that the only way I can make things even near right again, is to move on.  Let it go and get on with living.  That doesn't mean I will ever forget anything, it only means that I accept that I can't change it.  

Now saying that, this doesn't mean I am letting myself off the hook.  I have to use what I've learned from my mistakes to grow and to help others when I can.  To make sure that from this moment on, I do the very best I know how to do.  I made some bad mistakes, but instead of spending the rest of my life being unhappy and miserable, I am choosing to learn from those mistakes so I can start growing again.  Going around hating myself is not only bad for me, but bad for the people that have to be around me.  And it does nothing for no one.  So, I am getting on with living.  And that's that.

And I'm finding since I must learn from this experience, it is time to forgive others too.  I have carried around a lot of anger for a lot of years, blaming so much of my sadness and misery on what others have done to me.  Well, that just won't work anymore.  I have to take responsibility for my own self now, which means no more blaming others or using them as an excuse for my own behavior.  Since I am taking my own power back, I need to gather it all up and own it.  So, here goes.  

I've been angry at my ex husband for a very long time, blaming him for everything that happened back then.  And I realize that it wasn't all his fault.  Yes, he did some messed up things, no doubt about it.  But I did too.  I didn't make his life better either.  I hurt him too.  And I am very sorry for my part.  I don't think he will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that I no longer lay all the blame on his shoulders.  All of what happened was not his fault, he was reacting to what I did too.  He had a need to hurt me, to act the way he did, and I had a lot to do with that.  And I can say that if I knew then what I know now I would have handled things a whole lot different.  But now is all we have, and I only wish for him to learn and to grow from all this too, and if some day he can forgive me, it will give him strength and power that he has no idea exists in this world for him at this point.  He is a good man basically, he did his best and what more can we ask?  

     I forgive my Mom too, she was sick, she didn't mean to hurt me like she did.  She also did the best she knew how and through it all I always knew she loved me.  I forgive you too Mom.  And I love you always.

     And my brother, I forgive too.  Yes, I was angry at him too, it seemed like sometimes he did the things he did on purpose.  But he was sick also.  He didn't have whatever most of us take for granted in this life.  He didn't know how to be better because he was ill.  But he did the best he could too.  And I love you too, always.

This is going to change a lot of what I write about now because I don't see any more purpose in telling all the sordid details of my life.  I just want to live what time I have left doing the best I can.  And finding peace in my heart for the first time I can remember is something I want to savor and enjoy.  I'm sure I'm not done making mistakes, but that's okay too.  How else can we learn?  

And this seems like a good stopping point for this particular page.  God Bless you ALL.