Another Lesson in Forgiveness

for·give·ness

 noun \-ˈgiv-nəs\

: the act of forgiving someone or something

: the attitude of someone who is willing to forgive other people

That is what the dictionary has to say about it.  Not much in the way of describing what it means if you ask me.

And this is how they define forgive:

for·give

 verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\

: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)

Not much help there either...I have a much better definition of what forgiveness really means.  

It means that you admit to yourself that whatever has happened to you is NOT something that you can change.  So you quit trying to change it.  It's that simple, you accept what happened, and you move on.  Once you realize there isn't a thing you can do to change things, you also realize that there is no more need to hang on to them.  You let go of the anger, the need to retaliate and you let go of that pain.  And then you can get on with the healing process, start to mend things in your heart and become whole again.  

And I have found that the hardest one in the world to forgive is myself.  But knowing now what it means, it makes it easier to do so.  I realize I can't go back and change anything that has already happened, so I am letting it go.  No more tearing myself into a million pieces or waking up out of a dead sleep, heart pounding, wondering what in the world was wrong with me.  I realize finally that the only way I can make things even near right again, is to move on.  Let it go and get on with living.  That doesn't mean I will ever forget anything, it only means that I accept that I can't change it.  

Now saying that, this doesn't mean I am letting myself off the hook.  I have to use what I've learned from my mistakes to grow and to help others when I can.  To make sure that from this moment on, I do the very best I know how to do.  I made some bad mistakes, but instead of spending the rest of my life being unhappy and miserable, I am choosing to learn from those mistakes so I can start growing again.  Going around hating myself is not only bad for me, but bad for the people that have to be around me.  And it does nothing for no one.  So, I am getting on with living.  And that's that.

And I'm finding since I must learn from this experience, it is time to forgive others too.  I have carried around a lot of anger for a lot of years, blaming so much of my sadness and misery on what others have done to me.  Well, that just won't work anymore.  I have to take responsibility for my own self now, which means no more blaming others or using them as an excuse for my own behavior.  Since I am taking my own power back, I need to gather it all up and own it.  So, here goes.  

I've been angry at my ex husband for a very long time, blaming him for everything that happened back then.  And I realize that it wasn't all his fault.  Yes, he did some messed up things, no doubt about it.  But I did too.  I didn't make his life better either.  I hurt him too.  And I am very sorry for my part.  I don't think he will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that I no longer lay all the blame on his shoulders.  All of what happened was not his fault, he was reacting to what I did too.  He had a need to hurt me, to act the way he did, and I had a lot to do with that.  And I can say that if I knew then what I know now I would have handled things a whole lot different.  But now is all we have, and I only wish for him to learn and to grow from all this too, and if some day he can forgive me, it will give him strength and power that he has no idea exists in this world for him at this point.  He is a good man basically, he did his best and what more can we ask?  

     I forgive my Mom too, she was sick, she didn't mean to hurt me like she did.  She also did the best she knew how and through it all I always knew she loved me.  I forgive you too Mom.  And I love you always.

     And my brother, I forgive too.  Yes, I was angry at him too, it seemed like sometimes he did the things he did on purpose.  But he was sick also.  He didn't have whatever most of us take for granted in this life.  He didn't know how to be better because he was ill.  But he did the best he could too.  And I love you too, always.

This is going to change a lot of what I write about now because I don't see any more purpose in telling all the sordid details of my life.  I just want to live what time I have left doing the best I can.  And finding peace in my heart for the first time I can remember is something I want to savor and enjoy.  I'm sure I'm not done making mistakes, but that's okay too.  How else can we learn?  

And this seems like a good stopping point for this particular page.  God Bless you ALL.  

"I am not my own fault!"

In a few months I will turn 60 years.  I feel that I am getting old, but never will I be ashamed of my wrinkles, or the grey hair I am starting to see.  I earned every one of them, and most of them I earned the hard way.  I am who I am now because of what I lived and experienced in the years it took me to get this far.  And I like who I am.

These are some of the lessons I learned along the way, maybe you will see something here that you can use on your own path of healing.  

First and probably the most important is to learn to take responsibility for your own life, for your own mistakes, and also to give yourself credit for the good that you have done.  You see, once you learn that you have been hurt in your life by outside forces, that you only did the things that you did because of how you were conditioned, yes, you can blame all that on whatever it was that hurt you.  You can learn to forgive yourself for your actions because at that time, it really wasn't your fault.  You were only reacting in a way that seemed normal at the time.  So yes, blame away for the past all you need to.  I used to say," I am not my own fault!"  And for a time you may continue to blame everything on what happened to you before.  

     But there comes a time that you finally realize that it is time to quit giving yourself that excuse.  You begin  to learn not to blame anyone else anymore.  Because now you are old enough and wise enough to know the difference between right and wrong.  This is a tough one to explain, but bear with me a bit more.  You know that before you had a reason to act the way you did, you didn't know that you had a choice in the matter.  That no longer holds though, because now you DO know the difference between right and wrong, we are all born with that knowledge built in.  (Well, most of us anyways!)  And you can no longer blame anyone else because you are now the one in charge.  Now, when you make a mistake, you have to take responsibility for it because you are the one that did it.  You alone made that decision knowing full well it was wrong.  And by blaming it on anyone or anything else, you are giving away the power you have to grow from it, to learn from it and to become a better person in your own right.  

     This doesn't mean that you need to keep punishing yourself over and over or hurt yourself in anyway, it means, you own up to your mistakes, and you learn from them.  You grow.  You become a stronger person, and YOU/YOURSELF get all the benefits!  And the next time you will make the right choice.   You learn that you DO have the capacity to do well, to do good.  The only  truly bad mistake is the one you learn NOTHING from.  Mistakes are how we learn and they are important lessons for us.

     And the benefits are nothing to be sneezed at either!  You find yourself starting to gain confidence and you  start to care about yourself, you realize you aren't such a bad person after all.  You can look in a mirror and actually like, maybe even love what you see there.  Yes, you make mistakes, you are human, but now you know how to fix them.  Each moment of your life becomes good because you can see who you really are.  You are NOT what others make you anymore.  And you become free.  You get your life back, and you are in control now, no one else but you.  And there is nothing stronger or more empowering to you than knowing you can control your own life.  

     It does take courage sometimes and isn't always easy,  but I can promise you, it will become easier and easier to do, because you start to see the payoffs very soon.  The rewards are so great, you can't help but want more. You take your own life's power back into your own self and there is no better feeling, believe me, I know from experience.  

And another lesson I have learned is that we ALWAYS have choices.  This one was very tough for me to finally "get", because sometimes it's very hard to see that you do.  But we always have choices, I need to make sure you know that.  I'm not saying that the choices are always easy to see and  sometimes, even if the choices are obvious, they  hardly seem  like choices at all.  

     Here is an example from my life.  This was very recent and it was a very tough one for me.  My husband and I have been married 11 years now and there were things happening to us that were becoming very hard for me to bear.  I won't go into the details too much, but let me just say that I knew I didn't want to live anymore of my life feeling the way I did.  He was angry at the world and taking it out on me.  To the point of me never knowing when he was going to go off on me again and feeling like I had to tip toe around him.  He, at times got very quiet and being who I am, I was sure it was something I did to make him mad.  I was trying so hard to make him be happy, I was losing who I was completely. I couldn't do any of the things I loved because I didn't want to make him mad or give him any reason to start in on me again.  This is one of the leftovers from my childhood and trying to please everyone, to make things go smooth again.  I was taking upon it myself to be responsible  for his happiness.  But of course, I couldn't fix this for him and it was making me very unhappy, I hated my life and even went into a very bad depression because of it.  To the point where I had almost given up on happiness and for the life of me could not see anymore point to living or trying.  I couldn't bring myself out of it and finally due to some nagging from a dear friend, I went to the DR and got anti-depressants, which more than likely saved my life.  I have since quit taking them though, I want to experience life without them.  This is just my way, I don't want to miss anymore of it than I have to, tears and all.   Anyway, a day came when the hubby was on my case so bad, he just wouldn't stop and nothing he said was positive, and it seemed that he just couldn't find anything about me that was good.  He ranted at me for almost an hour with not one good thing to say about me.  I felt his disgust, and his anger all aimed at me and although I was trying to get a word in between his rantings to defend myself, he just wasn't listening.   This behavior was happening more and more often and lasting longer and longer,  and this time he even slapped the table so hard, I was glad it wasn't me he had hit. And I wondered if that would BE me at some point. And now he was scaring me too, this was a new feeling and not one I even knew how to deal with.   He was angry enough at that moment, I wasn't sure if he would or not hold back.   At one point he said something to the order of, "You don't love me, if you loved me you would ..." and that's when I realized he was talking to me just like my Mother did.  I had a major flashback of those days when she was doing everything she could to manipulate me.  To get me to do what she wanted me to do by using emotional blackmail.  And now he was scaring me too, this was a new feeling and not one I even knew how to deal with.  

     When I realized what I was hearing, I stopped him right there, stopped listening, stopped responding, and realized that there was no way I could defend myself from that sort of accusation.  I've already been there, done that and and AM NOT going back to that guilt trip ever again.  I had learned to walk away, or even sometimes run away from my Mom when she did that, I was not going to fall into that one agan.  

     It was at that point that I realized I would never be able to change him, or his way of thinking.  But I had a choice to make here.  I was not willing to accept that behavior from him, I knew it would be my undoing.  But how was I to stop it?  My choices were right there in front of me.  I could either let it continue or let it end our  relationship.  Neither one seemed very good to me at all, I couldn't take what was going on, but I also couldn't stand the thought of another failed marriage, and I fell in love with this man  and knew he had a good side, I do love him very much.  I was happier with him than I ever thought I could be with anyone.  But he had changed in a way I couldn't live with anymore.  I realized that although I could never change him, I could change myself.  I realized that it was only me that could deal with this and I  had to ask myself which would be better?  I realized that sometimes in this life you have to make sacrifices in order to take care of who you are.  I knew that my life would no longer be easy if I had to go out in the work force again at my age.  I knew it would be hard for me to live where I do without having his knowledge and strength.  I had no clue or plan for times like this and really very little money at my disposal to get me through.  But I knew without a doubt that I could not go back and live my past again through him.  There was my answer and I made my choice.  I was going to take care of myself now.  I am the only one who could or would, and  I will not ask for help so I was on my own.    I let him know what I decided and that was that.  He knew I meant what I said, and I  knew it was over.  I wasn't willing to bend on what I needed and he couldn't see that he was in any way to blame.  He wasn't willing to make the changes I needed.  So I was done, simple as that.  

    I was terrified at first, wondering what I had done! Scared to death of facing the world alone again, and so afraid that I wouldn't be able to make a living outside this place.  So many, many things to deal with,  I almost thought I was going to have to back down and take what I could with him.  Luckily for me I have a deep belief that I am not alone here on this earth.  I know that I have angels all around me and I know that if I pray, God will listen.  They are only waiting for me to reach out for their help,and  they want to help if you let them.  So I reached out and I gave it to the man upstairs to deal with from that point on.  I found peace there and the fear was gone.  I knew that no matter what happened I would be just fine.  

     Then the hubby left town for a long job and I was alone here to deal with stuff.  I gave him this time to decide what he wanted to do, and he knew where it stood and that he wasn't going to be welcomed home if things didn't change.  For three weeks or better I suffered through it, but steadfast in my decision.  I wrote to him many times trying to make him understand what I was asking, trying to make him see that he was doing something to me that I found extremely wrong and abusive. And to let him know that if he didn't change some things in himself it was going to escalate and become totally out of hand. 

      Finally he was to be coming home in a few days and still nothing had changed.  I got very angry with God, I felt like once again he had deserted me, that I really wasn't worth his time.  My husband was giving me the silent treatment by then, not answering my calls or responding to my emails, just silence.  It was pure torture to me and hurt so unbelievably bad.  I knew for sure then that it was over and he wasn't going to do a thing to fix this.  I prepared myself for the split, I was getting ready in my mind to help him pack his stuff.  I had made my choice and I was sticking by it, that was that.   

     And then the phone rang and it was him.  He was on his way home and he wanted to try to work things out, he was sincere and although I didn't really hold much hope, I realized I wanted to try one more time.  There was something in his voice that was different, I could see a bit of the real person I had married.  I felt like he had realized something and that he was sincere and I became at least willing to hear him out.  He would be home in about five hours and I would listen.

     I had that much time to think about things too, and I realized that there were a few compromises I could make also, because I felt safe enough by then to be able to think about things besides myself.  I realized that in a way we were both to blame and it takes two to make or to break a marriage.  We both allowed it to get this bad, and I realized I had made mistakes too.  

     And when he got home finally, we were able to sit down like two adults and treat each other with some respect.  No more yelling matches, just a willingness to listen to what we both had to say.  He was sorry, he wanted to make this work and he told me what he was willing to do to make it happen.  He had finally, finally heard me.  And he had finally been willing to admit he was wrong and that I deserved to be treated with love and respect.  So, now we are busily trying to be the best we can be again, we are working together to succeed at this marriage.  We are on the same page and not in any sort of competition.  And we are working it out.  The man I fell in love with is back, and even better than before.  

     My point to all this is  that I had choices, they weren't exactly easy, either way, but I did have them..  And I made the right one this time too.  I made the choice to change myself and to take care of me for a change.  And even though I was lucky and it worked out, I was willing and able to do what it took for my own happiness.  Yes, we do ALWAYS have a choice.  

     And now one more lesson that has the power to turn your whole life around.  This stuff is all related and they work together in the healing process.  This one is about validation and self -worth.   This is something that I struggle with always, but I think I am finally getting a grasp on it.  This is the one when you realize at some point you don't need others to approve of you, and you don't have to please everyone in your life.  The only one that is truly important to please is yourself.  I have been a people pleaser all of my life, it was always so important that people liked me     I was good at it, I learned to be to survive.  It was a survival technique for me and I learned at an early age to use it.  It became who I was.  It was important to me that people like me and approved of me.  If they didn't, I would bend over backwards to make sure their opinion changed.  I became a chameleon in that way, and learned to fit into any situation by becoming what I  thought others wanted.  I changed opinions, I changed clothing styles, and I changed anything about me I felt was different to what would please others.  And if for some reason I couldn't be what they wanted, then I changed people.  I found different people and walked away from those I felt didn't approve.  Talk about being insecure!  I was terrified people would find out who I really was, and I just knew if they knew the true me, that no one would ever want to be around me.  How could anyone love that person?  I didn't like her much either so how could I expect anyone else to?  So I hid me away in a corner, and put on other total identities that fit with who I thought they wanted.  And this was everyone I knew, everyone.  And in that way, I did have friends, and I did have people who loved me.  I thought until I was nearly 35 years old that I was stupid.  That I didn't have any real brains and that I was totally inferior to everyone around me.  Some people I couldn't even stand to be around because I didn't deserve to be in their presence and I knew it.  I was the lowest of the low and everything in my life up to then was bad and no good and I was of no worth or value to anyone.  

     And even now as I write this I realize that it wasn't even me they loved, because no one ever knew the real me.  Heavy stuff here, and very tough for me to digest right now.  Hmm.

     I'm not sure when that started to change for me and I started to learn that I did have a few things that people liked.  And I started to share the real me a little more.  A lot of that happened when I met Mama Hen.  She was a lady I worked with, she saw something in me that she wanted to protect for some reason, and she took me under her wing.  I used to tell her she grew me up.  And that is another story which I will share at another time.  

     Now that I am a lot older and have finally started to heal and have decided that yes, I am a worthwhile person and I do deserve happiness and all the good things life has to offer, I have started to learn that what other's think of me is not important.  Or at least not the be all end all it used to be.  I am happy with who I am, and I am happy that I am not like anyone else.   I want to be different, because I am different.  I like that about me now, I don't have to fit anyone else's mold or sacrifice my own heart just to be loved.  Last week I died my hair blue!  And I am here to tell you, it is blue of the deepest blue!  And I love it!  It's beautiful!   And it doesn't matter to me that others look at me and shake their head.  I am loving that person in the mirror and no one can change that.  I love that blue hair, I look at myself in the mirror and I smile and that makes me happy.  I walk away from the mirror and that smile stays with me, and I feel good.  I don't need other peoples opinions anymore, I trust myself and can decide what makes me happy.  I deserve to have blue hair if I want, and if I decide later to make it purple with polka dots, I will do that too, if it makes me happy.  

    Do you get what I'm saying now?  You don't need others to validate who you are, only you can do that.  

And now you can see that all three of these lessons go together and they are all so important to learn if you want to be truly happy with who you are.  It is possible and we are ALL worthy.  

                                                 This is that Blue Haired Lady, not the greatest pics

                                                        but you get the idea!   Love it!  God Bless

                                         Too sunny to open my eyes!

Taking a break today

So, the last few days have been a bit tough, writing this stuff down and seeing it again is almost like being there and although I am not that messed up, confused little girl anymore, it brings a lot of the old feelings back.  Mostly now, I am grateful that I survived it all in one piece more or less.  And I have learned that the harder life is and  the more you have to deal with and the tougher the lessons we are given to learn, the stronger you become once you are through it all.  It teaches you appreciation for the good things in life.